Zits At War : 03.17.03 @ 9:55 pm

"... I never really get there
to that quiet place where
I accept myself
instead I'm deep inside some high school
locker room no clothing
popping the zits of my self loathing
under fluorescent lights
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and you're too ashamed to ask"

"Second Intermission" � Ani Difranco

First of all, I'm having this break out thing going on on my face (to quote the great Eddie Izzard, it looks like the plague hit. Even if that's an exaggeration by a lot, its still horrifying). I'm so appalled � I've never been one for major breakouts. Sure, I get minor breakouts (mostly on my chin) sometimes � a few zits here and there but this is ridiculous. Today my forehead had what's got to be the biggest zit I've ever had (which isn't that big compared to some teenagers, but hey this is traumatizing for me, the girl who didn't really start getting actual breakouts until this year!)

Yea, so my face looks like a general plague area and I've been layering on the cover up more so then normal. It obviously doesn't "cover it up" (none of them ever do) but it prevents the whole glaring red thing screaming at everyone.

So I'm sitting here on my fat ass ("Amy, I think your butt is getting bigger" - Thanks, Mum) drying my face to a shriveled husk with various anti zit treatments.

My realization for this past week? I am really am quite unattractive. This isn't just self esteem issues, I just don't find myself attractive in the least and I know I'm not the only one to think so. I can't look in the mirror and say that I find anything about my face or body attractive, except my eyes. On my better days, I'm not ugly, just not attractive. You know what I mean about that difference?
The strange thing is, I'm okay with that. I can deal with being unattractive, it doesn't normally bother me that much because I manage to devote as little time as possible out of my day to thinking about my looks. Sure, I'd rather look decent � its nice if my hair is brushed, if my zits are to a minimum, if I'm wearing my contacts instead of my glasses and maybe a light layer of makeup... but I'm not going to start wasting time fretting about how unattractive I am and how to look better.

Though one thing I do want � this is along the same looks of this particular shell I inhabit � I do want to loose weight, for health reasons. A 14/16 isn't obese (at least in my book) but I find myself in real danger of becoming unhealthily large. I don't want to end up with diabetes and I really can't afford bigger clothes right now.
Not that I could afford a membership at a gym either � and I don't really have the time to work out anyway (time, what's that?).

I keep on telling myself that I'm going to eat healthy. Stop eating a full school lunch, no pastries, cut down on the grains and sugars, stop eating at Fuddruckers every half hour off I get at work.
(Of course, as we all know, that never happens. The motivation never lasts very long)

Speaking of Fuddruckers, I'd like to express my annoyance at them for their customer relations. Fuddruckers is right next to the Starbucks that I work at, so I normally go there and get small fries. Today, I wanted a garden burger and fries, but my half was right during their (normal) rush period (you know between 5:30-6:30) and last time I ordered a garden burger it took them like fifteen minutes to get it cooked, leaving me ten minutes to eat a huge ass garden burger and fries. In hopes to avoid this, I call Fuddruckers up before I start my break and ask if I can place a pre order so it'll be ready sooner.
I can, but I get this big lecture about how they don't normally do this for order in orders � which is all perfectly understandable (I could have just as easily ordered out and eaten it at Starbucks, but who really wants to spend their half at work?), but it was just the tone he took. Like I was being this major selfish pain in the ass for wanting my garden burger five minutes earlier.
I seriously felt like asking him � well man, do you want my money or not? Fuck, I'm a regular customer and I'm constantly telling people how good your garden burgers are (free advertising!) and you're talking to me like that?

It scared me a little, I was sitting at my table eating my garden burger (which really is quite good) and that's all I could think about, was how rude the shift manager was. Which isn't something I normally do � its something my Mum does. My Mum will obsess about someone's rudeness to the point where two days later she's still thinking about it. Normally, I just brush it off and think that maybe they're having a hard day...

Anyway. Yea. No need to turn into my Mum any time soon. I'm hoping for another twenty years before I become the lesbian version of my mother.

That Fuddruckers experience was the second rude/annoying conversation of my day.
Today's winner of the coveted Ass Hole of the Week Award goes to some random freshman (sophomore?) guy behind me in the lunch room. The conversation went exactly like this (its easy to remember, I barely said anything):
Ass: What's that? (he points to my rainbow pin on my backpack)
(entire conversation on my side is spoken in a bland voice until otherwise noted)
Me: A pin.
Ass: That's a symbol of gay pride, isn't it?
Me: Yea.
Ass: Are you gay?
Me: Yea.
Ass: So you're like a lesbian?
inner monologue: I'm female and I'm gay, what else would I be?
Me: Yea.
Ass: So you like girls?
inner monologue: Most lesbians do
Me: Yea.
Ass: Do you have sex with girls?
(bland voice replaced with angry voice)
Me: What is this, Twenty Questions?! You don't know me, and even if you did that's none of your god damned business! That's exactly like me, a complete stranger walking up to you and asking you if you like girls and if you have sex with them! Just because I'm gay doesn't mean you have the right to ask questions about my personal life!
(The Ass is silent, with slightly dumbfounded look on his face)

Oh, and as a side note, We're Officially At War.
If you hadn't heard.

I wonder what the history books will call this war?

(WW3?)

/A

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