Scattered Doubt : 10.10.03 @ 11:39 pm
I've been slightly out of it lately.
Scattered.
An example of this would be the Quiz on France that I took in AP Comparative Government yesterday. I've taken three of them. I know that you take a separate piece of notebook paper and write the quiz onto the notebook paper and not on the actual test.
This did not occur to me until I had already finished the quiz.
A minor thing, really. But at the same time it was just so significant. I'm so scattered that little things are falling through the cracks. I got an A on the quiz, so I knew the shit, but the setup of the quiz just kind of... slipped past me.
*
I've had a headache since eight am this morning. It started with my vision going all blurry and splotchy on me, and the transition from dark to light and visa versa has been a bitch all day. When we spent almost all class with the lights off, watching news clippings in Political Science, I almost cried when he put the lights back on. Instead I just put my head on my desk, hiding from the light as much as I could. I ended up falling asleep and waking up just in time for Mr. Graney to ask me what my vote was on the subject we were debating... without me knowing what subject we were debating, as I fell asleep before it started.
I don't think Mr. Graney likes me very much. It's not that he doesn't not like me... it's more that I do some things that irritate him. Like I talk often before I think, especially in that class where it's just all talk and you get on a roll and just don't shut up...
Anyway. I said something the class before last. It was a bit childish, but that's all I remember about what I said. And he said (in front of the class) rather sharply that he was sick of me being snippy and named some examples in that class ... and I was shocked. The last thing I could understand as being taking as snippy, but the times before that didn't make sense at all, to me.
I can't... handle it... when people talk like that to me, especially adults and authority figures. I tried to hide under my hoodie, but it just made things worse...
Look at me when I'm speaking to you.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to just sink into the floor, to melt, to cut, to curl up in a ball right there and just shake uncontrollably.
I didn't say anything for the rest of the class. Or much during the next class, remembering his words.
*
I've been second guessing everything lately. Every word that comes out of my mouth, ever little action that I make. Every awkward silence. Reading too much into it. Or maybe hitting the nail right on the head.
I am not worthy of so many people's time. Why do they bother even making an effort to be nice to me when I'm sure what they really want is to just tell me to piss off. Leave them alone. Stop hanging about them.
*
Felicia & Jim; Double Exposure
Tree; Double Exposure
*
My portfolio sucks. I was putting it together earlier and it's just so meager and so... bad. I'm doubting my ability to get into Bennington more and more, and on top of that doubting if I even should apply Early Decision, even though it's too late for that.
Bennington wants to supposedly know "the real me". That's why they ask for two essays, require an interview, and request supplementary materials (ie my portfolio).
I guess what really scares me is that the "real me" won't live up under such close scrutiny.
/A
P.S. You ever notice how sometimes the people you dislike the most are the people most like you?
To Do List:
Finish College Essays
- Fill out Profile
Finish final copy of application
Study for Comparative Gov�t test Chapters 1-5, 7.
Actually read Chapter 7.
Photo Shoot, Monday.
Work, Sat, Sun.
- Work on Outside Reading (The Jungle? Or Beloved?)
- Work on Geosystems �Learning the Language� BS.
Write report on Jerry Uelsman (who is a God in the world of photography).
- Finish photo crit.
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