In Defense : 12.18.03 @ 10:45 pm

Maybe I�m just a drama queen. Maybe that�s it. Or maybe when your main source of communication with a handful of closest friends is the internet, things get distorted because why go through the bother of writing the every day happy things that happen in your life on an online journal? Why bother mentioning that the sky was spectacular shade of pink this morning? That the lightening was perfect for a mystical fog and you wished you had a picture?
Do you mention the little happy things - the smile the cute girl gave you in the hall way? The A�s on quizzes, the invitation to a party that made your week because for the first time in a year you were with a large group of people and you didn�t feel out of place? No, I don�t.
I don�t start my entries like that, or start conversations with people online like that, because it�s different. Instead, I bitch about pain, I bitch about stress, I bitch about money, I bitch about the things that upset me or that are currently on my mind. I�m sure that�s relevant in my conversations with my co-workers and my friends that I see every day, but I don�t think it shows up as much.

And my friend is right - eventually the sympathy will run out. People get sick of hearing about bitching, about focusing only on the sad things, the dramatic things. People get sick of hearing about it and then they go away.

Right now I�m sitting here, my face swollen so out of proportion I don�t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I�m on pain medicine that doesn�t work and makes me sick, I can�t talk, I have difficulty breathing, it hurts to smile, let alone cry, I have a constant bloody nose and I�ll be blending everything I eat for the next six weeks.
On top of that, I got my financial aid information in the mail today. My father almost laughed when he opened it - a $7,230 grant. Which I am pleased with, but realistically it�s not enough. How am I, how is my family, supposed to come up with money to pay off loans that will be over $90,000 at the end of four years?

I�m being pessimistic about this, she says. She may be right about my bitching, about my little happy things that get over shadowed by apparently dramatic bad things. But she�s not right about this.

I�m not being pessimistic. In regards to my mouth, already I want to have a big feast like dinner at the end of January, with friends and such. I�ve been thinking about how my doctor did �a beautiful job� with my bite and all the pain and expenses that I am saving later on down the road. In regards to college, I have a folder of scholarships I plan on filling out. I�ve got to win something, even if its just $500 from Dad�s Lemonade Stand Scholarship. I�ve been thinking about how I�ll need to do even better in undergraduate school - with hopes to get scholarships for graduate school. I�ve been thinking more seriously about the second job come summer time, and about seasonal jobs during the Field Work Term (Bennington internship during the winter term). I�ve danced with thoughts regarding making spare change by doing web design and auctioning off whatever I have that might be of value to ebay. It�s almost exciting, this new goal, this new drive to get things done.
Realistically, it might not work out. Which is why I�m filling out a George Mason University application. Go there for a year, transfer elsewhere, maybe to Bennington. It�s a good, sound plan, that does not involve going into the hole my freshman year alone and then having to transfer elsewhere and actually graduating from George Mason.

And as for the things that have happened since this summer, that have been happy? That maybe have been over shadowed by my little drama queen rants?
I can think of a handful of significant ones.
I improved my grades, my GPA.
I have become more comfortable with the people at school and have someone to sit with in the morning and during my lunches.
My teachers and guidance counselor all wrote me excellent, ego stroking recommendations.
I�ve discovered a new love for English Literature that really does make me happy.
I really enjoy my random phone calls at random times to random people.
95% of the time, when I�m in the darkroom, I get really happy. Though that might just be the fumes.
I�ve had multiple really enjoyable times with friends - parties, get togethers, sleep overs. I don�t know if I�ve mentioned all of them, they�ve started piling up. I do know that more then a handful of them were spent with this same friend.

I don�t want sympathy.
It�s just a venting tool, a way to work things out in my head, to move on, to get things done...

In conclusion, I am sorry. I am sorry for bitching, I am sorry for the self pity shared. I am sorry for being pessimistic at times. I am sorry for any and all whining and bitching and just everything. Maybe I�m just scared that if I didn�t mention what was preoccupying my thoughts, my concerns at that moment, that I wouldn�t have anything left to talk about.

/A

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