Hugs : 02.25.03 @ 9:19 pm

They say a Watched Pot never boils, and I'd like to point out that perhaps if your pot is not boiling, the surface is not on.
At least, that's what happened to me when I spent five minutes trying to figure out why the pot wasn't even simmering after ten minutes on the stove.
I hate cooking. I have no flare for it at all. I'm going to be one of those people that barely eats because she can't afford fast food and avoids cooking like a plague.

Also, what's with that theory that if you throw a spaghetti noodle up at the ceiling, it will some how tell you if its done or not? I threw one up - just for the hell of it - and then realized that I couldn't remember if it was good if it stuck or good if it fell down.
Three or four noodles later, I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm also wondering if they'll stain the ceiling.

I'm not watching my sister ever again, even if my mother pays me $20/hr. That brat is such a bitch, I'm not even going to go into how angry she makes me, for if I do there's a chance I might end up stomping up there and smothering her in her sleep. Somehow I doubt that the Virginia Prison System would let me keep up this diary from in jail.

There's a point amongst all this homework, college prep bull shit, important things to do, blah blah blah where my mind just says fuck this and shuts down on me. It doesn't care that I have to write two essays by tomorrow and I have homework in all four of my classes and a test in one of them as well - it just doesn't care. So it shuts down on me and refuses to work out those pesky Chemistry equations.

I think I talk too much. I say random, unimportant things before thinking. You know that feeling you get when you think about something stupid you said awhile ago? Yea. I live in that feeling. I'm constantly saying stupid pointless things and some of them are so bad that if I think about them now, months or even years later, I still wince.

My head hurts, I have too much homework and for the first time in a long time I'm so lonely that I would do just about anything for a hug.
I haven't had my normal doseage of day to day touch since Kate left (and she was only here for three days).
You must imagine how hard this is for me, who has spent the years before my move being very affectionate with a group of friends.
Here, there is maybe one guy I know that I could hang out with outside of school and not feel stupid and insecure around.

All I want is touch, a hug or just someone that I could be casual with. Someone that I could sit on the couch with and maybe they could lean into me or visa versa...

Why do I feel so selfish for wanting this?

Most of my friends - as far away as they all are - are dealing with some major issues right now. They're X amount of miles away dealing with school, dealing with relationships, dealing with depression...
And all I'm dealing with is loneliness.

I think I'm going to need a bigger teddy bear to sleep with.

Yea. That's right. She's almost seventeen and she still sleeps with a bear.
It's such a poor substitute for a real body to curl up against at night.

Onto more woe-is-me-shit. My photography is shit and I haven't done the roll that's due this Thursday. My class work � even AP US History is shit because frankly, I don't care.
I. just. don't. Care.

Why is that such a hard concept for people � hell, me - to grasp? Why is it so hard for them to understand that grades barely make my list of priorities.
Sometimes I won't care to the point where all I want to do is just curl up with Bear, and move permanently into dream world. It's so much more peaceful there.
And hardly anyone is hurting.

/A

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