Selfish : 09.19.03 @ 10:52 pm

I am like my father in many aspects.
Spontaneity being one of them.
He came home in mid test drive of a 2002 Ford something or other.

Umm. What?!

Flash forward two hours. I�m wandering around the sales lot as my father closes the deal on his trade in of my baby, my little ghetto jeep that I have become so attached to in all of its imperfections. The salesman is a moron, I know more about cars then he does, and I got sick of watching my father explaining everything to him, so I wandered over to the plaza next to the car dealership in hopes for a Starbucks...
Instead, I found a...
Camera shop!

Oh yea baby. And then I found her. The most beautiful, sexy, gorgeous camera...
I�ve named her Maria already and I haven�t even taken her home yet. And I won�t, take her home that is, unless the guy at the camera shop agrees to lower his price. $250 is absurd for an entry-level used medium format camera from the 70's when I could get it for $150 on ebay.
It's a Yashica Mat-124 G medium format camera. (view)

Her face was pale, her eye-lids were red and the look in her eyes...
She looked like I feel when I want to crawl into a hole and just cut myself till I bleed all the stress, all the pain, all the doubting into the ground.

And the guilt flooded me. Any stress I have caused her... from my own issues with depression to just being lazy and not cleaning the cat litter. I felt like dirt at the very possibility of having anything to with how she was feeling at that moment.
But what do you do? Do you randomly hug your mother in the middle of Wendy�s?
Or do you stop and think, for once [you selfish brat] of her side of things? You worry so much about everyone�s point of view, but it never really occured to you to see things from hers.

I�m such a selfish bitch.

/A

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