Shut Up : 05.19.03 @ 11:43 pm

I can feel it starting � again.

I wish I knew what to call "it". Some form of depression, surely. Or maybe it's just normal teenage hormones.

Somehow I don't think one minute being perfectly happy and motivated and then five minutes later, be ready to curl up in a ball in the corner and just... withdraw from everything. Withdraw from what little friends I have here, quit my job, drop out of school, and spend my days curled up in bed wondering why I just can't get the courage to end my worthless life....

Somehow I don't think that's normal.

The last major episode was over a year ago.

Then, I'd turn my entire upper arm into raw meat, criss-crossing and re-drawing old scars.

I'd twirl a razor blade along my wrist, watching as little beads of blood appeared at the surface.

For days, my wrists would be sore and every time the edges of my shit rubbed against the fresh wounds, it'd take me back to the moment I made the little indent in my skin.

One of my problems is that I hate melodrama.

So, when I find myself sliding full force into this rut, I chastise myself for being melodramatic, which of course makes everything worse.

I was annoying myself today. I just couldn't shut up and I kept on doing everything wrong. I could almost hear the people around me, talking about me being annoying. I could see it in the eyes of the customers, of the people around me, of the people I work with. I just wanted to forcibly shut the fuck up, leave, and go home and hide.

I talk too much. Yak yak yak blah blah blah SHUT UP no one wants to hear it, no one cares.

Everything I hate about people.

Everything that irritates me about them.

I see in myself.

Maybe that's why I hate it so much.

/A

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