Downwards Spiral : 04.30.03 @ 9:54 pm

There has to be something wrong with me.
It's the only explanation, really.
I'll be completely full of energy and in a good mood, getting things done, running around, actually doing homework, smiling, just... energetic.
And while I'm in this seemingly happy mood, the very back of my mind is whispering things involving razors and pain, blood and more pain. Nonchalant little comments about the release, the sigh of the skin parting.

And the funny thing is, I haven't cut since... well. I stopped keeping track it was so long. Yet it's still there. It being the memories of the great collective sigh of relief that resulted after each slice and the utter relaxation and calm that followed the storm of emotions.
It being the desire to feel that all again.
It's too bad it's so fucked up to want this even when you're relatively happy.

Relatively being the key word. I have no support system here. I've tried to build them, but it appears I'm building it on swampland or in some cases, quicksand, because I'm not making any progress and sometimes it seems like if anything, I'm working backwards.

I'm so emotionally and physically gone right now, it's not funny. I've been completely drained for a week now and I haven't gotten any work or studying (for the AP exams next week) done at all. Hell, the only real sleep I've gotten has been during my classes. I try to stay awake, but suddenly my head does that drooping thing and I actually enter a full force dream and when I wake up, the teacher is doing something completely different and I have no clue what the hell is going on.
I'm sure my teachers appreciated that. I do feel quite badly, because some of them are actually trying to teach me something/help me pass the AP Exams, but I'm just so fucking gone... I could sleep for an entire week and still be exhausted. I wish Mum would let me take a day off where I could just rest and catch up on things, but of course my mother doesn't think that way.

...... I lost my train of thought. Damnit.
Today was one of those dull days. The highlight was walking into the school library (excuse me, media center) and seeing one of those giant "READ" posters with Ani Difranco on it. I immediately went to the librarian, who knows me because I used to volunteer with them during first period, and asked her if I could have that when they're done with that. (squeals) I think they'll let me.
Yea. It's a sad day when that's my highlight, no?

______ of Psych class and D lunch � who at one point I listed as potential friend - always has something harsh/jack-ass-y to say to me that makes me feel quite stupid/moronic. It's gotten to the point where I watch what I say very carefully around him, but he always manages to verbally kick me in one way or another. I'm aware that I'm not perfect, I don't need my imperfections rubbed in my face every day thank you.
Ah. The wonders people do to your self esteem.

Which is really why you shouldn't let people effect your self esteem but I just can't help it. I need the reassurance that I'm not a complete waste of space on this earth in order to mentally survive.
Too bad that reassurance is so far and few between.

/A

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