Back in Two Hours : 01.22.03 @ 4:10 pm

That smell you're smelling?
It's my brain, completely burnt out and still sizzling.
I had a stress breakdown today, and it was rather embarrassing when it broke.

In Algebra, I am informed that there is a test on Friday (on something I don't understand) and that I have a midterm on Monday. Now, as you know, a midterm involves the entire semester. Well, I've only been here for one quarter and everything they learned is completely different from what I learned.
In Chemistry, I take a quiz that I didn't know I had on something I don't know how to do. I find out that I went from a C+ to a D+ because of that test I bombed last week.
Chemistry class was spent thinking once again, that everything I do is shit and I should just fuck college and get certified in web design, but I suck at that too so what good what that do me? Etc, etc blah blah blah.
(Keep in mind similar things have been happening all of this week and last, if you haven't noticed in previous entries)
In English, it all accumulates with the fact that I know no more then I did a quarter ago. I'm still eons behind the rest of the class and I'm not likely to catch up. So after class I go to tell Mrs. O that I'd like to drop down to regular English because I can't handle the stress of AP English right now and I just breakdown and cry for like five minutes before I can even say what I wanted to say.
How embarrassing.

Crying helped though. I had forgotten how much crying helps sometimes. I don't - just don't - cry. I'm not quite sure why, but it's a very rare day if you see me cry. I'll cut before I cry and if I had had a sharpie today... well, let's not go there.
So how is this all getting solved?
I'm talking to my counselor about dropping down to regular English for the rest of year.
Tomorrow I'm staying after school to retake a Chemistry test (shit, I have to study for that don't I?) and get some help on what we're doing now.
Monday after school I'm retaking a Math test and I'm coming in for help tomorrow during lunch.
And I'm going to try to be more organized.

I'm wondering how much of this is an indirect result of my god damned hormones. I don't think that much is because its been so bad that for the past two weeks I've been worried that it was all coming back again. All of it, the months and months of depression, the suicidal tendencies, the cutting, the therapy... I was so afraid that all of it was going to come crashing back down on me.
I don't know how well I'd survive if I had another one right now. I don't have a support system here and there's more stress.
Let's just hope I don't. That'd be bad.

I don't know how much sense I'm making because my brain really is out of it right now. Its like my brain just decided that it was getting too hot in there and checked out � leaving a "back in two hours" sign on the door. I think it will be awhile before I can concentrate on anything scholarly, so I won't try until then.

I got two offers on Swappingtons (fiercelingua referred you!), got 14 points and I "bought" The Green Mile (the movie) with 11 of the points. What a great movie, can't wait until it comes. :-) I'm not joking when I say that I've told everyone about swappingtons for those god damned 8 referral points. I even told Mrs. O!
I believe that I'll set up my Gold Account soon... I don't know if I should wait until next weekend (after the second drawing of the free SuperGold account) or just do it this weekend. I'm five dollars short, but I don't think Mum will mind seeing I'm going to be getting a somewhat steady income soon and will be able to pay her back.

Aight well, I think I might go take a nap.
Either that or read Harry Potter 3 for the fourth time. Best in the series I tell you!
/A
mood: brain dead
music: classical playlist

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