Up/Down : 04.03.03 @ 11:07 am

The past few days, my physical and emotional systems have been completely chaotic.

I've swung between stable and suicidal, healthy and barely coherent.

What a fun ride it's been.
I'm not that sick. It's just a heavy duty head cold among other things, but it's enough to keep me home while I ponder if my teachers will let me make up the work the last week of the quarter.

Then, last night, I reaffirmed my standing that I frankly don't care. Just like I don't care that I failed what was perhaps the easiest English test I've ever seen in my life.
I could have gone to school today, but it would have involved facing Mrs. O with the knowledge that she knows that I can do better then what I did on that test, and I know she'd do something stupid like question why I bombed that... and while I have a valid excuse, that I had a huge ass fever that day and was so out of it I could barely put my name on the test, I wasn't about to say that.
My parents raised me not to give excuses, to take responsibility for my own fuck ups. I still do [give excuses], at times. But I try not to give excuses to my teachers. It's my own damned fault for whatever goes wrong.

What happens when I'm depressed is that all ambition slips from me. I don't care if I fail this test or hell, I don't care if I fail that course. I don't care how I do on the SATs. I don't care what college I go to, or what I do after college. I just cease all thoughts on the matter and focus entirely on just sleeping. Sleeping and moping and struggling against day time fantasies involving the self destruction of yours truly.

I thought about asking Mum to see a psych again.
But we don't have the money for it, I don't have to ask to know that. And I don't feel like baring my soul to some bored old hag who will just press drugs on me like drugs are the answer to everything.

I don't want to go on drugs because drugs neutralize everything and when I'm happy I don't want that happiness neutralized. I can deal with the occasional bouts of insanity if I can just have those periods of elation. I am a tad sick of these swings though. Up. Down. Up. Down. All within a matter of minutes... I can go from images of destroying myself to being very content and happy about everything. It takes the slightest things to swing me. So slight, sometimes I don't even realize that it pushed me the other way until I'm on the downside all over again.

I was going to work on a new layout today.
But I think I'll have to wait until I get caught up on all homework that was due Wednesday that I'll have to get to my teachers Friday, moments before they send my grades into the office.

I'm such a fuck up, sometimes I wonder how I managed to survive this long.

I'm sorry if this isn't coherent. I'm feverish and I have a horrible sinus headache.

/A

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