Untitled III : 03.05.03 @ 8:02 pm

Today I didn't go to any morning classes due to a doctor appointment at ten.
My first two classes just aren't worth getting out of bed for if I don't need to. Well. None of my classes are worth getting out of bed for, but yea.

I think my photography class is making me hate photography. No, that's not right. I don't hate photography, that's just not possible.
I hate not having any models and seeing I take pictures of my friends mostly, that tells you something. I've had no one to take pictures of since I moved and even if I did, they probably wouldn't come out well.

I'd like to take some pictures of N, a girl I work with. I have a scene in my head of her sitting outside on a bench (at dusk) with a cigarette in hand, looking off into the distance Of course, that's the only scene I have in my head.

My last three rolls of film have been complete shit - perhaps because they were for school. I didn't even completely finish the one I developed today, I just developed it with 23 out of 36 frames. I don't really care if my grade slips because of it, I'm not going to force myself to take pictures that I have neither the time nor the inclination to take. Pictures on a subject that is ridiculous and time consuming to me. I do people. Not reflections and I sure the fuck don't take pictures of snow. I'm from Maine for Christ's sake, six months of my year was snow and I have no desire to photograph it!

I'm excited about my final for photography though. It's a "photo journal" that is supposed to record my 2002-2003 year... it should be interesting seeing its unbelievable how much my life has changed in this year, how much my models have changed. Compare a picture of Kate April 2002 to Kate January 2003... compare a picture of Colby May 2002 to October 2002...

I'm sure I'll find some way to make it so y'all can see it, or at least pictures of it. It's going to kick ass.

Oh. And Starbucks has a policy of no photography in the store, so me photographing the store for my project is out - I felt so embarrassed after I asked Brian. I should have known there was no point in even asking - ah never mind. I had some good shots in my head, too.

I have a shit load of things to do this month and next... and so much studying!
Right now, I should be studying for Chemistry and Algebra and I will, really... it's very frustrating to be failing a particular course when you want to not only pass but pass with a B, or at least a C+. I just can't deal with some subjects... or I just can't deal with the teachers (ehum Chemistry). Fuckers, all of them. Teachers, that is. What the hell possessed me to even toy with the idea of teaching high school? I hate kids.

Ambition sucks, you know that? If I didn't have ambition, I'd be perfectly content to just be a bum with a computer and a degree from the Community College. Instead, I'm actually attempting to do well this year, get a 1300 (+/-) on the SATs, get at least fours on the AP Exams, and do well enough to say to colleges "Look! That D in French 2 last year was a mistake! Accept her! Give her scholarships!". Particularly Ithaca and Fordham. I'd really like to go to one of those two colleges. Really, really.

I have no drive to write anything more. Sorry. Too tired and too much shit to do.

/A

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