Stress : 10.20.03 @ 9:52 pm

I'm sick of everything.
I'm sick of everything being due at once. I'm sick of having too many places to be and things to do when all I really want to do is curl up in my room, lock the doors, and hide. Hide from the stress, hide from the self-doubting, hide from the little voice that tells me that I'm worthless. That I'm useless. That I'm lazy and nothing will ever come from all of this hard work.
I have spent four years of my life working towards this. I've thought nothing of college, of getting out of high school, of learning what I wanted to learn. For four years. And now it's almost here and I don't know if I want it.
No, that's not true. I still want it. I just don't think I'm worthy.

Everything, simply everything, is due by October 31st. Every bit of my college application, every print, every dark room manipulation, every project for the past quarter... two odd hours of homework for AP Comparative Government a night... outside reading analysis assignment for English... a scholarship essay... random other classes assign homework occasionally as well. I work twenty hours a week, scribbling AP Comparative Government homework on stolen ten minute breaks. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to fuck everything up sooner or later.... I always do.

((To add to that, my second teacher recommendation is being done by the nice but slightly ditzy Mrs. S. I like her, and I have managed to learn things from her, but she's putting it off to the last possible minute. I'm so terrified that she's going to forget to do it and fuck up all my chances of getting into Bennington)).

I've developed migraines. Or if they are not migraines, they are headaches that are so bad they overtake my entire thought process until all I can think about is the throbbing in my temples and behind my eyes. Sometimes it's not throbbing. Sometimes it feels like they're screwdrivering the back of my eyeballs. Other times they're stabbing my temples repeatedly with something hideously sharp. Sometimes it gets so bad that my neck and jaw tenses up.
The stress doesn't help these.

I miss time. I don't know where it goes, but I get the distinct feeling that I'm missing something. That I'm stuck in fast forward while everyone else goes by at a normal pace and catches all the little details in life. Poetry. Trees. Friends.

I don't know where that thought was going.
I do know that all those things happen twenty times more often in large groups of people.
When I'm with just one other person... I'm so much more myself...

Out of it. Tired. Dizzy. Nauseous.
Can you tell?

/A

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