spinny-eyed t.v. junkies : 03.14.03 @ 9:54 pm

"... we start out sugared up on kool-aid and manifest destiny
and we memorize all the president's names
like little trained monkeys
and then we're spit into the world
so many spinny-eyed t.v. junkies

"Serpentine" � Ani Difranco

I apologize for my inconsistency these past few days in updating my diary with real entries (that of course, raises the question, what is a real entry?). It was due in part to laziness and in part for the recent server move.

(Side note: People should not bitch out Andrew for the recent issues with the server. He's not getting paid to do this, most gold member money goes towards the new server. So shut up and write your entries on Word when the server is down. Especially if you are not a gold member, I fail to see what right you have to bitch to him about server issues when you know nothing about servers and the like).

I think Andrew has become some sort of mysterious god-like figure here on diaryland. Not so much in that we worship him but � he's like that mysterious rich dude in movies, that pulls all the strings and watches to make sure everything runs smoothly. Thanks Andrew � I'd pay you more if I had the money.

So what have I done these past few days? Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing really worth mentioning about my day routine.

I was supposed to have a photo shoot today after school � and man was I hyped up for that. I've been envisioning shots and angles for the past week for this shoot. I have what I want to express all laid out in my head, I have the poses, the outfits, everything... but of course, my model (coworker N) canceled at the last minute.
I wasn't upset � just disappointed. We'll have to do it some other time � in between jobs, tests, school, college visits, life...

I finally got to Barnes and Nobel today. Of course, I picked up Evolve and I'm listening to it now. Will probably have finished it by the end of this entry. So far I like Evolve better then R&R. I'm completely in love with "Slide"on this album.
I'm not a big fan of B&N. I don't like how they're organized, I dislike their lack of computers to search for titles, their music section sucks monkey's ass... and yea, I just don't like B&N very much. Much prefer Borders � or even better � Amazon. But Amazon lacks that cozy bookstore feel (obviously) and Borders is a little bit further away and in the opposite direction.
You know what I hate? When you're looking at books and the back of the book has reviews instead of a description. I don't give a rats ass what some pompous journalist at the New York Times or some other newspaper thought. I want my god damned description. To this date, I have yet to buy a book that just had reviews on the back. I won't do it. If they want me to shell out $9 to $19 dollars on a book, they'll write an enticing summary on the back of the book and not use the "Hey these people like the book, you will too" tactic. Doesn't work with me.

I got so mad at Movie Guy the other day in Psych. He was talking about how his girlfriend had applied to Ithaca and had gotten in, but it was like an extra fourteen grand then they advertise, and that really they want a 3.6 GPA average min.
He was telling this to me, along with his visit to Ithaca with his girlfriend last year, and I was feeling sick to my stomach. You know that feeling you get where you realize that something you've wanted very much and have been working towards for the past few months has just been snatched out of your reach and dangled tauntingly before you?...
Yea... well that's what that felt like. I can barely afford the Ithaca price tag right now, and my GPA will be at best, a 3.3. I wanted to cry when he told me all of this.
I shouldn't be so gullible. After an entire period of feeling like a fucking failure and a looser for my GPA and unchangeable class choices, I discover that he was just shitting me. The ass hole was just fucking with my mind.
You don't do that to people. You just don't fucking do that to people. You don't mess with people's ambitions, their dreams.
What an ass. I wanted to punch his face in for that charade. It just wasn't funny.

Ack. Some perverted fucker did a yahoo search for "my+sex+journal" and came up with my diary. Go figure. Yea. I really record my ever so active sex life in detail on here.
(Note: italics rather explicit)
Today I met a beautiful femme with a trim waist with size C breasts. She goes to a nearby private school so she wore a Catholic School girl's uniform. We then proceeded to make out in the rain like that T.A.T.U. Video... but we didn't stop there. We 69'd for some time, in the rain, in public, screamed "I'm commminnnggg" because that's just what they do in pornos (does anyone actually do that in life?), then some skuzy old men came buy and gang banged us up the ass. We protested at first, but eventually we loved it and even licked you clean afterwards.

Oh yea. That happens all the freakin time. Not even worth mentioning, it happens so often.

You know what I love? And yes, I've actually been asked this before � "How do two girls have sex?"
How do you respond to something like that?! How does someone get in their mind that they have a right to even ask that?
It's like � man, if you haven't figured out fingering by now � if your boyfriend hasn't gone down on you yet � I'm not the one to explain it to you.

I'm babysitting for Mrs. O's kids again. After I said yes of course, I get a call to cover a five hour shift ($37 before taxes) which I have to say no to because I'm babysitting during that time. Damnit. Damn me and my responsibility! Hmm. All right, so I'm not that responsible. But responsible enough not to want to bail out on Mrs. O. She is after all, probably going to write a recommendation for me. Damnit. I really had forgotten about that little thing. Does this mean I'm going to have to be a perfect, intelligent, B+/A student so she'll write a good one? Bah. I hate ass kissing. I am not a yes person.
I'm the type of person where if you tell me to say yes I'll say � well, I'm not gonna. (Unconscious Eddie Izzard quote) Or at least, that's my knee jerk reaction. I don't normally actually say that.

I'm constantly being told that I don't act like a seventeen year old � that I act much older. Some have even stretched my mental/emotional age to twenty.
I'm not sure if I should be happy of my supposed mental maturity, or sad that I went through that middle time so quickly.
Some teens are just starting to question the world around them, just starting the question the things they're told. They're going through the difficult shifty age and I'm just like � hell man. I went through that in sixth grade. Of course, I also grew up an outcast � at school, in my family, amongst friends. I'm never � even if supposedly I am � entirely in a "group". Because of this, I've had a lot of time to just sit and write about things like life, its meaning, religion, sexuality, etc.
I spent a good four years of my life with my only real friends being the books I read, and my parents never censored my reading material so I read everything and anything I could get my hands on.
That changes a person, I think.

Or perhaps I just went through the stage so many are going through now rather quickly.
Or perhaps I'm not done, just at a plateau.
But when are we ever done growing, changing, shifting? The book I've been reading for some time now on Buddhism � the author made a wonderful point. When you look at an old picture of yourself and someone asks, Is that you? Of course you respond with a "yes", but is that really the you you know as yourself? You are not the you known when you were a child, hell you're not the you that was five minutes ago.
You've changed, in just those five minutes.
If you can change in five minutes, how much do you change in a lifetime?

/A

ATTN Mac Users or Former Mac Users:
If you have used or do use Mac, what is your opinion on it? Which do you like better, Mac or PC?

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