Mum : 12.05.03 @ 10:51 pm

So Awkward.
I feel like my mother.
I watch my mother sometimes. Forty-Four and not comfortable in her own skin. Insecure. Rarely goes out. Rambles about things. Complains.
Do you think the similarities are because she raised me or because of some weird genetic thing? If I was raised by two different people, would I be different or does genetics figure that out all for me?
Who I am today, was it because of my environment? Was it because of my family, my friends, the town I grew up in? Would I have been different if I had lived here [Northern Virginia] all along?
Who I am today, is it because of genetics? Is there a random merger of my mother's and father's genes, their quirks, their habits, their likes, their neurotic moments that happened at my birth? Was who I am today already determined at the very moment of conception?

Not wanting to be my mother does not make me not like my mother. But thinking about being my mother depresses me. She's so sad and worn out - yea, a lot of that is because of the shit that I've put her through. I'm sure when she had me she wasn't expecting me to grow up into an insolent, lazy, left-leaning lesbian who screws girls in her bedroom downstairs when they're sleeping upstairs and introduces the family to the joys of self mutilation.

Sometimes I wish I could do something. It disgusts me, this side of me that few people outside of my family see. This selfishness. Yea, my mother's worn out and tired. I could do something. But I don't. When I have the chance to, I sit on my fucking ass, or I turn back to my homework, or my book. A little voice screams at me.
She�s my mother. She�s depressed. She does so much for me.

I don�t mean for all this.
Maybe it�s just something we need to go through. The whole mother-daughter-teenage relationship thing. We need to go through the screaming, the yelling, the constant friction.
Maybe it�ll be better when I�m older.
Or maybe I�ll be like my mother and her mother.
Constant bitchiness through long distance phone calls.

/A

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