Dear Mumsy : 2002-11-29 @ 6:22 p.m.

9:31 p.m. 2002-11-13 first.html - There's a point in everyone's life where certian joys - such as watching a squirrl hide his nuts in his hide away - become childish and we avoid doing such things. There's a point in a life when sitting under the stars and thinking about all the distant worlds out there is no longer done. I think it is at this point where we loose our humanity. We do not grow into humanity, as people will have to belive. Oh no, instead, we loose it hour by hour from the moment our first cry quakes the heart of our mothers. ---------------------------------------- 5:06 p.m. 2002-11-14 first.html - Developed film for the first time since July. I was so nervous I forgot to fix it... shh don't tell anyone about that stupid mistake. Anyway I saved it before it was ruined, and had to repeat half the process over again. Then I made a contact sheet, not enough time to make prints though -tear-. I'll do that soon enough I suppose. Tomorrow maybe. Or Monday. Friday's another photo shoot. This one is an important one, for from it will come the pictures that I enter into the Drexel University photography contest. I want to do a photo series of a cutter. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it at school without showing Ms. Steele. I don't know how'd she take it. Could I explain that the certian roll is too personal to show someone who knows the model? Laura's modeling for me. I want to catch the emotions of a cutter. I want to try and make the viewer feel what a cutter feels before they're cutting, while they're cutting, and after they're cutting. Of course, I'm not going to have Laura actually cut herself during this. I would never ask a friend to do that. It's too... personal. Cutting infront of someone would be like laying your soul for the whole world to see... unfortunetly, that's exactly what I want to catch on camera. ---------------------------------------- 6:04 p.m. 2002-11-14 first.html Musings on the Suburbs Do you think, prehaps, that we will ever learn to accept things? That human beings as a whole will be able to accept things? Or will be constantly striving for that long off perfection? I live in the suburbs and I see all these cute little neighborhoods where everything is perfect, right down the blades of grass. Everything is the same. Everything is so f-cking boring. You do something to your house, to your yard, that is a sign of imperfection and you have to fix it. People here can't stand that a thing isn't perfect yet on the other side of town, we have people living in cramped, delapitated over priced apartments. It seems to me that the people who are striving for perfection in their neighborhoods are deluding themselves into thinking that they have everything they want in life. The husband. The ex-husband. The alimony. The town house. The 2.5 children. The dog. The picket fence. I don't want that. There's such a larger neighborhood out there, one that doesn't end once you drive past your quaint little sign announcing your neighborhood. People who live in the suburbs delude themselves into thinking that that's all there is and they want their "reality" to be absolutely perfect. No wonder we have all these teenagers thinking they're not perfect. Thinking they're too fat, too ugly, to stupid. Thinking that they don't meet society's standards. F-uck society. F-uck anyone who makes you feel inferior. When it comes to who you are, when it comes to what you think of yourself, don't let society come into that picture. At least once a week stand in front of the mirror, admire your curves or lack of them, admire all those imperfections that despite what society tells you really are good things and say - "GOD DAMN I'M A SEXY BEAST". Do it. The more you say it, the better you'll feel. And the more you'll laugh. ---------------------------------------- 5:44 p.m. 2002-11-15 first.html Photo Shoot Laura R2 BW I took pictures of Laura cutting. Like, she actually bled for me. Granted, she volunteered and it's not like she doesn't cut anyway, but still... I feel very... selfish. Like I used her for art. Not a cool feeling. They better come out well, otherwise I will feel even worse. /A ---------------------------------------- 10:05 a.m. 2002-11-16 first.html - A few hours later, I have come to the realization that the roll I took of Laura was in fact, the same thing. All of it was just the same pictures as the roll before. What a waste. /A ---------------------------------------- 12:07 a.m. 2002-11-17 first.html Rut Every once in awhile something will remind me just how completely lonely I really am. Any positive, happy emotions I've had these past few months have been dillusions of my mind, trying to trick me into some positive thinking. No one wants to read about this. No one wants to read how I wish everything would go away. Nor do I really want people to. Yet I write this on an online diary. No. I don't want the attention, because this type of attention results in the pitying conversations, the worried looks, the worried calls, the reassurances... none of which I want. I just want to fade away. Fade from life. Fade from memory. Maybe I already am. We spend all our lives preparing for the future that we never stop and think that once we're done preparing.... we're dead. Does the price of death in this day in age outweigh the price of life? What would be a greater investment? I can always tell when I start slipping back into depression because I can't see the future. I can't see myself a year from now, let alone five or ten. It's amazing how empty and lonely someone can feel. It's amazing that the razor in my bedside table has remained pure and unsullied, or at least by my blood. It's amazing what a smile will do to dispel worried looks. ---------------------------------------- 11:24 a.m. 2002-11-17 first.html Songs to Make You Smile Playlist Happy Happy Joy Joy Spongebob Theme If I had a million dollars (Barenaked Ladies) Livin La Vida Yoda Oops I farted again Because we can Thanksgiving Song How the Grinch Stole Christmas Theme Short Dick Man Grandma got run over by a reindeer Istambul Channakah Song La Vie Boheme (RENT) The 12 Days After Christmas Amish Paradise Cell Block Tango Sesame Street on Cannabis Pretty Fly for a Rabbi Dr. Worm Ganja (Bitch and Animal) Happy New Year (RENT) ---------------------------------------- 5:29 p.m. 2002-11-21 first.html - My hands smell like fixer. I wonder if they will smell like fixer for the rest of my life? I hope so. The smell is getting very comforting. I entered by babies (pictures) into the Drexel University photography contest. However, I had to compromise because the one that I really wanted to enter had a scratch on the negative and I didn't have time to fix it. -tear- Too much homework to write more. 30 problems in Algebra 2 Study for Psych Test Two worksheets in Chemistry Two essays for English A project for Psych Study for a test in Chemistry A project for AP US History And they expect me to be involved with after school activities AND have a job AND get on the honor roll? Fuck this bull shit! An NO I'm not a procrastinater, I've had four or five hours of homework every night since I started to go to this f'n school. God damn Fairfax County. /A ---------------------------------------- 7:27 p.m. 2002-11-23 first.html Irked @ Kate None of my links work btw. I've been too lazy to fix them. I went to see Harry Potter today and I couldn't help but think that I would have enjoyed it better if I hadn't been thinking Well that was a poorly delivered corny line. I'm too cynical for my own good. The actors in Harry Potter aren't that good, with the exception of the late Richard Harris and the other teachers. Then Dad drove us to Fuddruckers. Who brings a veggie to a Hamburger joint? Email chain between Kate and I: So.... What do you think about seeing Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones at the IMAX theater in DC? ;-) /A excellent. Amy F. is seeing it in Boston this weekend and I'm jealous. So if we could then that would be great. However, just seeing you will be great so whatever we do will be fine. However, this time we will have to find something constructive to do with our time seeing as I have a gf. Anyways great idea and I can't wait to see you. ttyl.-Kate Note the bold. It just irked me so much that she felt the need to remind me of that fact, like I'd forget or something and try to jump her. My response might have been a little too snippy but really. (I think it started: That was an obvious and unnecissary reminder) Here I am, thinking of things for us to do over her visit. I'm planning a "lesbian movie fest" with some of my aquaintences here while she's visiting. Like I mentioned, the IMAX theatre. And Lord of the Rings is coming out while she's down here. You know, things I know she'd like to do. Maybe I can convince Mum to let us go to DC on the metrorail (not likely) and walk around Georgetown. As you can see, not one of the things that I mentioned as ideas involve me seducing her and us having wild ex sex and breaking Jacqui's heart. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I caught a look at myself in the mirror today and I almost winced. 'Tis a wonder the mirror doesn't break everytime I look in it. I'm fine with my body, really... but my face... is another story... I might get around to working on those links. Prehaps. Or not. /A ---------------------------------------- 7:54 p.m. 2002-11-23 first.html Fixed Thought I'd let you know that I actually fixed links. Now I will mosey on over to my bathroom, brush my teeth, and then sit down to read Huck Finn. -gag- ---------------------------------------- 9:46 a.m. 2002-11-24 first.html Longing Brandi should be here soon. Brandi's a girl in my AP US History class and we're doing our oral presentation together. I really procrastinated doing homework this weekend, which wasn't cool. Tonight I'm going to have to do my Psych project & read Huck Finn. Probably review over my Algebra homework so I could have Mr. May help me after school Monday if there's anything I don't get before I take the make-up quiz which I should study for. I miss having someone to hold, even if we aren't in a gf/gf relationship. Ryan, for instance. I had lots of oppertunities to cuddle with him, to fall asleep spooning. Right now I don't have anyone. What I really want right now is someone to buy flowers for. Someone to cuddle with, someone to hold hands with. Someone to make smile. I love making people smile. I want to make someone feel like they are very special and loved. I want to write silly sappy love letters and I want to share myself with someone. I want someone to talk to for hours. Someone I can trust. I want to get into those silly little arguements that girlfriends get into. Yea. I'm lonely. I feel like placing an add. "Teenage dyke looking for 15-19 yr old bi/les to keep warm at night. Reston/Sterling/Herndon area." Yea. That'd go over well. /A ---------------------------------------- 9:49 p.m. 2002-11-25 first.html Bored God I am so f'n bored. Actually did my homework. Sort of. I suppose I could actually try to finish my Algebra homework. Or not. I applied for a job at Chuck E Cheese. Woot. Yea that should be intresting. I've come to the conclusion that almost everyone was dropped on their head repeatedly as a child, which would explain all the rampant stupidity and ignorance. Or mayhap its just human nature. I was going to write something meaninful. Really. But I'm tired. 'Night. /A Hidden Fact about the A- I can't fall asleep without cuddling with someone. If I don't have someone to cuddle with, I have to imagine that I'm curled up with someone. ---------------------------------------- 3:26 p.m. 2002-11-26 first.html No homework! music: OkGo - Get Over It For once, I have no homework. Yay. Well I do, but none that's due tomorrow. I'll probably end up doing some tonight anyway. Today in English we talked about society's structure and those who choose to "opt out" and not live the way our lives were planned out for us. Our lives are basicly planned out for us, regardless of what we might think. Born. Go to school. Go to liberal arts college. Get a job. Get married. Dog. Picket Fence. 2.5 children. SUV in the driveway. Suburbia. Retire. Move to Florida. Harrass your 2.5 children and your 5 grandchildren (2.5 + 2.5 = 5!). Die. You know, the good life. I don't want that. I want to move to NYC, study photography, travel randomly around Europe and Asia with my camera. Take pictures of the people of the world. I don't want the subdivision in the suburbs, I don't want the 2.5 kids, the dog, the SUV. I want my camera, my framepack, a bed to sleep in and a dark room to rent. Not too much to ask. Now, the question is. Where will I get the money for this? /A ---------------------------------------- 1:17 p.m. 2002-11-27 first.html Turkey Break music: xmas play list (Songs to Make You Smile) I love how they give you a break to do your homework. Basicly, because you supposedly have a four day break, you can spend the entire time doing homework! Hell no. I'm getting drunk off my ass Friday. If I can find my way to Alana's girlfriend's... /A ---------------------------------------- 2:22 p.m. 2002-11-27 first.html Thanksgiving Let me get this straight... So the Puritans (ie - religious fanatics escaping religious persecution so they can turn around fifty years latery and persecute against anyone who's not Puritan) settle in Massachussets. Illegally. Yup, that's right. They didn't have a charter for the colony they started, they had paid for a charter in VA. And got just a little lost. So here they are, on the coast of a country they know nothing about, a country that doesn't even belong to them. They were also quite rude to the original inhabitats (ie "Savages" ie anyone not like us). So they try to tough out a New England winter with little food, little shelter, and without the proper clothes. Now, anyone who's been to New England in the winter will tell you how STUPID that is. Can you imagine how much colder it would be in New England before golbal warming? But hey, they didn't know, I'll cut them some slack. So yes, more then half of them die and by the end of the winter they realize that HEY! These savages know more then we thought they did because more then half their colony wasn't whipped away! So they exploited the Native Americans, took their kindness and advice. Come harvest time they decided to have one big feast that kindergardens nation wide celebrate with annual plays. Yes, so basicly this is a holiday celebrating the friendship between stupid dead white Europeans and their friends that they later exploited, killed, and took all their land. Yup. Thanksgiving is definatly an American Holiday. ---------------------------------------- 6:22 p.m. 2002-11-29 first.html Dear Mumsy -NOTICE IF YOU ACCESSED THIS FROM ARCHIVES- If "Dear Mumsy" wasn't what you were looking for, this is because at the time I did weblog style. Due to this, some of my November archives are messed up. This is one of them. music: Phantom Planet - Hey Now Girl Sara Lee - Traffic Dear Mum- About a year ago, I sort of stumbled out of the closet and said BOO!! hehe Hi! I'm gay and here's my girlfriend, Kate! It's not like you didn't suspect long before that, but you probably didn't want it confirmed. And you sure don't want to talk about it. Even know it seems like you don't want to talk about it. Which is understandble. What parent wants to talk about sexuality, straight or otherwise with their child? Especialy the sexuality of the afore mentioned child? However, it needs to be done. I need to try and define my sexuality for you. It's so hard to do. Who is, after all, a clear cut hetreosexual or clear cut homosexual? No one. Or at least, very few. Do I consider myself a lesbian? Yes. I love women. I can't explian why, and I'm sure if I could, you wouldn't want to hear it. However, I also admit that at some point in the future, I may fall in love with a man. It's unlikely, so don't get your hopes up, but if I fall in love with someone who was unfortunete enough to be born a man, I'm not going to NOT be with him because he happened to be a he. Like I said, it's unlikely. I don't want you to pin all your hopes on a dream that I'll find a nice young man, have a traditional wedding, settle down in the suburbs, have 2.5 children and a dog. Really, mother, can you picture that? I might, however, fall in love with a woman. We might settle down and spend the rest of our lives together. We might adopt 2.5 children & a cat. Just because I love women doesn't mean that the possibility of me giving you grandchildren to spoil is out of the question.....

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