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Worries : 10.31.03 @ 10:35 pm

Constantly akward.
I am never comfortable in large groups. I either have to mentally block out most of the group or just withdraw into my little corner, silently uttering a few akward, out of place words.
This is why I need the cuddling. I need the touch, the reassurance that I'm not making as big of a fool of myself that I feel like I'm making.
I want what everyone else does. To be loved and appreciated. Only I'm so needy that I just have to have that reassurance...
I should probably talk to someone about that. Someone being that elusive psychologist that I will never have.

* My cat is licking his crotch. He pauses, looks up at me, his legs all askew, as if to say, Don't you wish you could do this?

* No one came to our house trick or treating. So I have this huge basket of skittles and starbursts to munch on. All the candy is leaving my mouth with that dry, scratchy feeling that makes my braces particularly painful.
I suppose that's a sign to do something, but what I'm not sure.

I drove down to [city] to see Felicia and Jim at Jim's little get-to-gether.

It's not their fault. Or anyone else's who I hang out with. I just naturally become more introvered around multiple people. Quieter. Doubtful. Stupid. Akward. Nothing I say comes out right. Everything about me is wrong, is out of place, and I just want to hide in the corner and under a pillow, hoping to sink into the couch and not be particularly noticed.
I did, however, get a rather good idea for a photo shoot. I want to take a roll of color and maybe black and white... then drag Jim into the whole deal. Make him do funky things infront of a strobe light while I use a really slow shutter speed and then a really fast one. I think the effect would be really cool.
I left a little early. I have a huge essay that's due after this four day break. The problem is, I'm going to be in New York (visiting Ithaca College) for three of those days and I haven't even finished the book the essay is on.

Driving home was the first time I've driven on a big highway at night. It was weird... I would follow the lines to make sure I wasn't going to go off the road, and then I'd zone out and my eyes would do that out-of-focus weird thing. Which is rather scary. I can feel it, in my gut, that I'm going to get in a car accident and it's going to be a biggie. I'm not sure why I feel like this. But I always have, even before I started driving. Perhaps I have just a slight fear of cars.
Maybe.

* I sent my Bennington College application in last Tuesday. Certified Mail informs me that it arrived yesterday at 9:19 am.
Now that it's in, three things are worrying me...
(1.) I won't get in.
(2.) I'll get in, but the aid will suck, and I'll have to transfer at the end of the semester and spend a ridiculous sum on just that one semester.
(3.) I'll get in and hate it.
I really doubt that number three will happen, but it makes my list of worries none the less.

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