String of Stubborness : 08.25.03 @ 8:11 pm

I've started an entry three (four?) times today.
About what, I can't tell you.
I don't remember.
It wasn't important.

Something I've realized in my writing is that if I'm even the slightest bit depressed and I dwell on it in writing, it makes things twenty times worse. I could be absolutely fine... then have a thought.
A simple, unfiltered thought.
And the whole world would slide out from underneath me with nothing but a string of stubborness holding me just inches from the emotional bottom.

Maybe I should stop writing.
Stop thinking.
Stop breathing while I'm at it.

How is any of this bull shit that I do, that makes up my life, meaningful? How is my job, my school work, my hobbies meaningful? How is college meaningful?
What good are my skills to the world? What good are my skills, which make up who I am, good to anybody but myself and my selfish half delusional desires?

What skills do I have anyway?

This is just great Amy. Go from trying to sit down and write a normal, run of the mill entry, to wanting to curl up in a ball and cry for no apparent reason at all.

There are things that I want to write about publicly. Semi-Happy things that give me that goofy grin that so few people have seen.
But there's that semi clause that prevents me from doing so.

But just thinking of it causes a small smile to appear and some of the heaviness to my current thoughts.
So maybe I'll just go into my room.
Curl up.
And pretend the semi wasn't a clause, didn't exist, and everything was as it would be if I pulled the strings that made the world go 'round.

/A

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