Bloody Mary : 03.11.03 @ 4:50 pm

I can always tell when my period is going to happen next week because the week before I don't get crabby - no, no it's twenty times worse.
I get horny. Horribly horny. Rawr.

I'm sure y'all are going to appreciate this image, but you know you're ugly when you look at yourself in the mirror and you no longer feel like masturbating because you're just that ugly.

There must be some greek myth about the twin sister of Narcissus. This twin sister looked into the pool, saw her reflection and went off and blinded herself so she'd never have to see that again.

Can you imagine - if we were all blind, what would our society be like? If every single one of us were blind... how would society measure beauty? How would the individual measure beauty?

I'd like that. To be blind. Fuck never being able to do photography again, fuck never using the computer... I'd be blind. I'd be free of mirrors.
When I was in first grade, I used to be afraid of mirrors because a girl told me that if you said Bloody Mary three times, she'd appear in the mirror and kill you.

That's a terrifying thing to tell a seven year old. From then on, I hated anything that had a reflection and my over active imagination could often catch glimpses of her. Her dark hair would be wet with blood, and blood would pour out of her eyes, her wrists, her breasts... the entire mirror would be red.

Even after I realized - years later - that Bloody Mary did not exist, I still avoided mirrors.
I still do - only now its for different reasons.

I'm so insecure in my looks that I still avoid mirrors.

I'm like an impressionist painting - okay from a distance but the closer you get the more blury and ugly I get.
It's true, every bit of it. I don't give a rats ass what other people say. If I can't love myself - and I can't - then I really don't deserve much in this thing called life.

You can also tell when I'm getting depressed because I loose all ambition in life.
College? Eh. Don't care.
Photography? Eh. Don't care.
Friends, Love, Life? Eh. Don't fucking care.

Photography - ooh I've learned to hate it. Hate it in the way that you can hate something that you once loved with all of your being.
I just can't do anything right, everything I take is shit. And the dust! Nothing comes out right. It's all so frustrating and unrewarding.

Fuck it all.
I'll just sell my camera on ebay.
Unless someone else wants it. $225 for like new Nikon FM 10? (Plus S&H)

I'll sell it because I can't look at it without hating how I can't do anything right.

I can't be a photographer, I'd make a shitty teacher, a shitty lawyer... hell. Why the fuck bother with anything. I'll buy myself a cabin in Northern Canada and become a hermit.

Nothing of importance to add to society anyway.
Nothing of importance that I can say or do.
Nothing... it's just not worth it.

/A

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