Yours Truly has a Crisis : 02.18.03 @ 10:04 pm

It's so damn cold down here in my "apartment" that I'm actually wearing a damned coat in hopes to keep warm.
(It's not really an apartment, it's just a series of rooms that I've claimed as my own and no one else uses)

If you haven't noticed, one of my major inner struggles lately has been with gender. Which may have been why I choose to suffer through Virginia Woolf - as an excuse to write about androgyny.
I thought I'd re-visit this topic in this entry because I always end up thinking more about it when my uterus is ripped out by the biological forces that insist on reminding me of a gender I didn't ask for. If any of you cared, I've spent the past few hours curled up in a ball on the couch waiting for the fucking advil to kick in.

[Cut to image of uterus speared on a stick, tubes and ovaries dangling haphazardly as I roar my successful Amazonian roar]

I don't think my body likes me very much. Besides being female, I'm really curious as to why just about everything I eat doesn't digest and makes me violently ill. There's got to be something wrong with your digestive system when you can't eat anything without getting sick. I'm starting to hate eating. Which may or may not be a good thing.

Anyway. I did say I was going to discuss gender, didn't I? A warning, fair reader, little to none of this will make any sense at all.

It's not really gender that I feel the need to discuss right now but labels. I know who I am, I don't need a label for that. But society does. Not that anyone regularly asks - hey, what gender are you?
Perhaps they should.

We've covered the fact that I am not male and considering the fact that I am now bleeding profusely, we defiantly know that I am not biologically male. We've covered the fact that I am not female, nor do I want to be. I neither, yet lately I've been thinking that this issue with my gender is not my issue, but society's. Society has these standards that we all have to some how fit into, and if we don't they give us funny looks and scorn us....

Damnit. Where was I going with that. -scowls- I'm constantly bitching about society. Fuck society. It's not going to change anytime soon, so why bitch about it. Bitching doesn't change society, fashion does. Seriously. Compare Victorian fashion and Victorian society to Modern fashion and Modern society. Exactly.

I suppose my recent problem with my accepted gender label of androgynous is that to I can't really be androgynous and lesbian at the same time. Lesbian is defined as a female who favors other females. Well if I'm not female, then how does that work? It also doesn't help that I can't really totally swear off men because I've never had one. I've never even been in a relationship with one! The only relationship I've been in is with a beautiful woman who I must admit is as every bit andro as I am even if she doesn't identify as such. If I found an equally androgynous "male", could I have an emotionally and physically satisfying relationship with "him"?

Yours truly takes a moment to question that if yours truly had been born male, would we be having this conversation? Would I stop and question my sexuality? My gender? If I was male, would I be bisexual? Or straight? If I was biologically male, would I be as androgynous as I am now?

So I suppose all this bull shit boils down to how you define gender. If you define gender and other like labels as exactly what society says it is, then I'm quite fucked.
I think society tends to fuck over the individual on a daily basis, so this is nothing new

Fuck labels. Fuck gender, fuck sexuality. Fuck it all.
Just be.

I am Kunhigunda.
Call me Queer.

P.S. Speaking of gender and society. I shaved my legs today. The bathtub has grown a plesant layer of fur. Ha. Stop eeewing, Zac. As if you actually read past the mention of cramps...

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