Life is But a Dream : 02.08.03 @ 11:37 pm

Despite my claim that my new layout will look good on 1024 x 768 and 800 x 600, it doesn't, not really. Better then my old one did, but not by much.
It's funny how most layouts that I really really like have little to no color in them. Black and white, or black and gray. Oh, but have you ever thought how the world would be if it weren't for color?

No, not dark and dreary, but vibrant and detailed. When you're not bombarded with colors, things you've never noticed before catch your eye. The dimple in someone's smile. The glint in another's eye. The curves of a young woman, shadows dancing upon her skin.

Aye, so I've spent an hour or two more then I should have behind my lens. There comes a point where you can view anything in black and white.
Actually, I take my previous statement back - I have not spent enough time behind the lens. My eye is not sharp, my creativity lacks.

I just must resign myself to the fact that I am not a creative person. Sure, I can spin out a good ramble or two - I can take a half decent portrait, I suppose - but nothing that hasn't been done before. Nothing that hasn't lived and breathed under another's watchful eye.

Nothing to call my own.

The high point of my Saturday was doing laundry. It'd be your high point too if for the past three days you'd been hard pressed to find a clean pair of underwear in that war zone some might call a room. I have apparently - and unwittingly - taken over the downstairs. I have my room, my bathroom (which is starting to reek. Perhaps I should clean it one of these days...), and the den that I sit in now. My papers, my clothes, my objects of long forgotten affection all lie scattered amongst haphazardly placed pieces of furniture.

All this and no one to share it with.
I do love to share. I didn't, when I was younger. How else does an oldest child react when they discover that attention that had once been theirs alone now has to be shared with two other bawling brats? Close up, hide away your toys. Scream and bitch when the spawn of satan that they like to call your sister plays with one of your afore mentioned territory.
I still don't like to share with my sister. From a psychological point of view it might have been that we were both daddy's girls and until she won out and I am unconsciously resentful of that fact.
Or it could be that she really is a spawn of satan and my mother fucked some demon of the lower levels one night when she was drunk.
I'm leaning towards the latter of the two. In fact, I might have actually witnessed the event. Oh wait never mind.
That was just one of the many times I walked in on my parents as a young child.
(We will discuss the emotional scarring later)

Besides with my sister, I still like to share. If I have money and a friend needs it, what is mine is theirs. If they need a place to stay, my couch is always available, or my bed for those who like to cuddle. My clothes, my computer, just about everything (except my camera) is up for sharing as long as they ask.

I'm wondering exactly how I got on this topic of sharing and how does it relate to my current mood at all.
Oh that's right. It doesn't.

I always find it quite sad when I wake up in the mornings and realize that if I could, I would stay in that level of subconsciousness forever. It's not that I don't love to be conscious, to be with the people that I love - its just that in my dreams, I am doing that. Not only am I with the people I care about, but I'm sexy and confident, I have wild adventures, I have a sex life, and I have more control over my dream-life then I do over my current life.
Wouldn't that be nice...

Some crazy old hall monitor came into our philosophy class the other day and rambled on about something involving a river and rowing down the stream, not up it.
To me, that seems like the easy way. If all you do is float down the stream, how are you going to build up your muscles? How are you going to learn? How are you going to make any change in the direction the river flows? What good does it do you and society to just float along? Like Gandhi, King, or anyone else of importance, got anywhere by rowing downstream, with the current.

I'm rather fond of the feel of the current pushing against me, thank you very much.

/A

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