Delusions, Revisited : 02.07.03 @ 11:03 pm

I will lecture you on how stupid society is when it comes to weight and how women should all be curvy, and how I'm proud that I'm not some scrawny carbon copy of the girl in the Abercombie and Fitch add. I am too.

Yet I still look in the mirror, pinch at my rolls, scowl at my hips, and do anything possible to hide my fat thighs and those damned streach marks. Almost every night I lie in bed thinking that I should loose weight, for health reasons of course. And I get all revved up and pumped - boo yea I can loose those 30 lbs! I'll start tomorrow... and then I go to sleep and the next morning I'm back to eating like usual.

It gets really bad sometimes, on days like this when all I'm doing is sitting on my fat ass, watching movies or whatever and even though I'm not hungry in the slightest, I eat. I swear, if I stay on that road I'll be on Jerry Springer and he'll have to cut me out of the house to get me to his show.

What's funny is that I don't even consider myself fat - and most people wouldn't either. Chunky, curvy, over weight. I'm a size 14/16 depending on the brand, which really, isn't big at all. And it's all relatively spread out... like it didn't all go to my ass or my middle or something like that.

But that doesn't mean I'm happy with the way my body is. Of course, I realize that even if I was down to a size nine or something, I still wouldn't be happy with my body and I'd still find things wrong with it. Why do you think you see all those scrawny girls starving themselves even though their bodies are already too thin pre-eating disorder?

Not that I could ever blame someone for having an eating disorder. Sometimes I admire their will power. If I only had the will power to do that. Fuck the side effects.

What person seriously wouldn't mind looking like the people in music videos? In movies? Our society is full of bull shit like the idea that in order to be successful and sexy you have to be a certain way.

I'd like to be the first woman, queer, plus-sized president.
Like that would happen.
I'd like to be one of those people that goes to clubs and some how manages to attract everyone in the club, instead of sitting in the corner, sipping my drink of choice, looking fat, ugly and forloan. Out of place.

Sometimes I manage to delude myself into thinking that I'm really not all these things. Sometimes I'm right in the middle of the crowd, dancing, flirting and being the person that most of you know.

Yet this self confidence comes and goes for periods of time. Delusions really are a wonderful thing. Humans go through the day to day routine like robots, delusion into thinking that perhaps they are part of some bigger plan. Delusion into thinking that perhaps they'll win the lottery, or Mr/Mrs. Right is right around the corner...
Delusion into thinking that life is like a movie. Or.
Delusion into thinking that perhaps there's something more to this endless sea of people - no, not people - cattle. Sheep. Something more? Some higher being, some big guy in the sky that will reward us with eternal life.

Well buddy, from what I've seen of life I don't think I want an eternity of it.

Love doesn't make the world go around. Delusions do.

You know, deep down inside of you that that's true. The thought makes your gut churn and your little mind reel. God, you think. She has to be wrong. There is no way that she can be right...

The funny thing is. Sense of right, sense of wrong - good, bad, evil, normal - it's all relative.

Life is relative. Your life is relative, your life is a delusion.

The question is.
Is it better to be happy and deluded - I could use some nice little comparisons involving cattle on their way to slaughter but I won't -
or, is it better to realize that everything you know to be true is relative, is a delusion.

Perhaps I should shut up before I shatter people's minds. Can't make them think too hard. The smell of brains actually thinking for once is a rather unpleasant one.

That, and I'm aware of the fact that I am not making any sense at all.

/A

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