Learning When To Open Mouth : Sunday, Dec. 1, 2002 @ 10:35 pm

Sometimes I think I talk too much. I open my mouth and say things before I think. I get in this giddy, happy mood where I just talk. I ramble on for hours and hours on end about useless information. Sometimes I say things that I regret. Or things that later, I kick myself for saying. Random, stupid, pointless things in English class... or in any other class. Or to someone I barely know. Or to people I know quite well.
In class, it's on things that I should just shut up about and not raise my voice about. Things most people just ignore me for saying, thank god. This is about as close to embaressed as I get. Or ashamed. I could probably list off all these things that make me feel ashamed, stupid, embaressed... small. I could. Some of them have been in conversations with you fine folks! ("When was the last time I got laid, Kate?".... afterwards me feeling very scummy for using such a base word to describe what we had together).

I'm way too open when I get in that giddy, happy, ramble mood. Or even when I'm not. I wish I wasn't so open. I wish perfect strangers didn't know such things about me.
Sometimes... I wish I could revert back to the way I was in middle school. Any queer teen will tell you what a perfect hell middle school/jr. high was for them. Well, mine was pretty fucking bad. Not only was I queer, but I was an utter geek!
Around teachers, adults, and a few select peers I was very open, very smiley. An open book. Around my peers... I was sullen and closed off. Yet suddenly, I stumble out of the closet and BAM I'm open and bleeding for all of the world to see. So now everyone knows that I'm queer and by the looks of her scars she's a fucked up queer as well.
Either that... or I wish people in life could see me the way people online do. No one in life calls me beautiful for this openness that I possess. Very few in life will say that I make them smile, that I have made them a better person for one reason or another.
Isn't it sad that I have more friends online then I do in life? Hell... here in Herndon I don't have any friends. I have no one to buy random gifts for, or even Christmas gifts. I gave Laura one of my "random" gifts and she just gave me a strange look. Thanked me, but undoubtedly wonderd what the hell it was for.
I just like making people smile.
There are so many things that I see that I know would make a certian person smile. If I had money... I'd buy it and ship it to them, just because. But I don't. I belive I have $15 to my name, and that's going towards me starting a bank account so the money from that can go towards my summer in New York. Which I will go to. Once Pratt gets off its fat, over paid ass and sends me information on the summer program.
WTF am I doing online? I need to get some sleep. 5:40 am looms closer by the second.

/A

-siren zooms by, as at least one does every night. Some guy the other night got arrested outside our house for a DUI. Some chick last week was attacked on my road... not on this section of the road, but my road just the same...-

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