Turning Inside Out : 01.11.03 @ 11:08 pm

I don't think the diaryland server can catch up with me! I've made so many changes today, though my Kiss layout can't be found on even my earliest entries, so that's good. Any discrepancies between pages are due to the server trying to catch up, not HTML errors of mine.
Sarah called tonight. Reminded me just how different we are. That doesn't of course, mean that I don't love her or consider her my friend, I just was reminded of our differences. We had a nice little chat for an hour or so about... things and Houlton. Normal shit, like old times.

You ever just not like yourself? Have you ever looked inside yourself and seen nothing but a rotting wasteland of deeds and thoughts? That's what I see, when I stop to think about it. I'm incredibly self involved. I've never really done something that has benefited anyone else. Sure, I loan money and my door is always open to a friend (or even enemy) who needs a place to stay... and I'm sure there are people out there that think that I'm a complete sweetie.
But I'm not.
I'm a selfish, lazy and hypocritical. There are so many things I should do, should think about, but don't. I should think about how stressed out my mother is and maybe help her out some more. I should think about how my father has been working strange hours lately and attempt to be civil towards him. I should think about how hard it must be for my sister and lighten up on her. I should, I should I should...
But I don't.
Even when something happens to a person that I love, I don't think about them. I think about how it's affecting me. I get depressed because it's affecting me not because something horrible has happened to them.

If you don't like who you are on the outside, you can always change that. Wear make up. Get your hair cut, wear different clothes, loose weight, plastic surgery.
What I'd like to know, is where's the plastic surgery for the inside?

/A
mood: contemplative
music: Providence - Ani Difranco

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